When One of You Does Too Much and the Other Steps Back

In many relationships—especially long-term ones—a quiet pattern can emerge.
One partner becomes the planner, the fixer, the one who holds things together.
The other becomes the one who leans back—who forgets, avoids, delays, disengages.

It’s not usually intentional.
But it becomes a rhythm: one person overfunctions, the other underfunctions.
And the more it happens, the more stuck it feels.

Overfunctioning often looks like:

• Anticipating everyone’s needs
• Taking on more than your share, emotionally or practically
• Managing, prompting, reminding
• Carrying resentment but struggling to let go of control

Underfunctioning often looks like:

• Avoiding responsibility or emotional labour
• Waiting for someone else to initiate or decide
• Shutting down when things get hard
• Feeling inadequate but unsure how to step in

This dynamic feeds itself.
The more one person steps up, the more the other steps back.
And while it may keep the system going, it keeps true connection just out of reach.

Often, the overfunctioner is praised: “You’re so capable. So organized.”
The underfunctioner gets blamed: “Why can’t you just…?”

But neither role is sustainable.
And neither one leads to the kind of relationship most people actually want—where there’s mutual care, shared responsibility, emotional honesty.

These roles usually come from somewhere.
The overfunctioner might have learned early on that if they didn’t take care of it, no one would.
The underfunctioner might have learned that trying wasn’t worth it—that no matter what they did, it wouldn’t be enough.

These are survival strategies.
They’re not character flaws.

Changing this dynamic doesn’t mean swapping roles or keeping score.
It means getting curious about how it formed—and who you became in the process.

It means asking yourself:
What am I afraid will happen if I stop holding it all together?
What might it feel like to step up, even if I’m unsure I’ll do it “right”?

It means softening control and building trust—on both sides.

Because in a healthy relationship, both people get to be human.
Both people get to show up.
Both people get to rest sometimes, and carry sometimes.

If this feels familiar, you’re not alone.

Terri Cole writes beautifully about this in her book Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.
She speaks to the ways we overfunction to feel safe, needed, or in control—and how stepping back, even slightly, creates space for more mutuality and meaningful connection.

It’s a book I often recommend when this dynamic shows up in therapy—because it names what so many people feel but haven’t had words for.