When Everything Feels Like a Fight: A Note on Negative Sentiment Override

Sometimes, it sneaks up quietly.

The sigh. The side glance. The way they load the dishwasher wrong (again).
You feel your body brace, your thoughts spiral: They don’t care. They never listen. I’m doing this alone.

Even small interactions start to feel charged. You’re not just reacting to this moment—you’re reacting to every unresolved moment that came before it.

That’s what we call Negative Sentiment Override—a term coined by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to describe what happens when the emotional climate of a relationship becomes so clouded by past disappointments or hurt that even neutral or positive bids are interpreted through a lens of negativity (Gottman & Gottman, 1999). You stop seeing the good. You stop assuming care. You brace for the worst—because it’s been the pattern lately.

I see this all the time in my work.
And, if I’m being honest, I’ve felt it in my own relationships too. We all have. Because when we’re tired, when we feel unseen or over-functioning or disconnected, our nervous systems adapt. We scan for danger. We stop trusting softness.

This doesn’t mean the relationship is broken. It means something inside it is asking to be repaired.

That repair starts small:

• Naming the cycle, not blaming the person.
• Slowing down before reacting.
• Asking: Is this about now—or is this about something deeper I haven’t said out loud?

The Gottmans remind us that “every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay to repair” (Gottman & Silver, 2015). That means turning toward instead of away. Choosing curiosity over criticism. Remembering that your partner is not the enemy—even if they’ve felt like a stranger lately.

Sometimes that means repairing the tone before you ever get to the content.
Sometimes it means getting support, not because you’re failing—but because you want to feel close again.

The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is reconnection.
And that starts by remembering: you’re not on opposite sides of a battlefield. You’re on the same side of the story. Even if right now, it’s a hard one.

References & Resources:

• Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. Simon & Schuster.
• The Gottman Institute: www.gottman.com – for relationship tips, research-based resources, and tools like the “Love Map” and “Repair Checklist.”
• Gottman Card Decks App – Free app offering quick, research-informed conversation starters and connection prompts.